I’m thick. Like thunder-thighs thick. I’ve been this way since about age 12. I’ve been an athlete for three decades. I eat well. And I’m thick. That’s how I’m built. So for all you out there shakin’ the floor when you stomp and pour yourself into those skinny jeans, this is to remind you of all the reasons you should love your thick thighs:
- Push a car out of a ditch. That’s a thing. ‘Cause cars most often go into ditches when it’s cold and snowy. And if you don’t get that car out, I don’t care how long you’ve known your bestie, if she gets hangry enough, she’s gonna start analyzing the ethical implications of the Dahmer party.
- When your hands are full, you can hold stuff between your thighs without it falling through a thigh gap. You think this is dumb until you are gripping multiple shopping bags, your skinny latte, texting on your cell phone, and your kid paws at you to hold his book while he real quick jumps in a few rain puddles.
- You outlast everyone on the dance floor. Explanation unnecessary.
- Big butts, big brains. If you have thick thighs, odds are you are packing in the rear. I heard a report once that if you have a big butt it means you have a big brain. I’m not vouching for the veracity of that report. But I do cite it with some serious frequency.
- Your pants will never fall off. Like never. I could rock a pair of “husky” jeans like a second set of skin. Jump, run, jiggle. Those pants are not going anywhere. Zero clothing malfunctions.
- You can wrap him (or her) tight. Yes. That is what I meant. Moving right along to….
- You can dominate at leg wrestling. Sound useless? You might need to up your party-game game.
- You don’t have to unload the rack. I relish the moment that some guy is getting up from leg press when I’m ready to jump on. “Oh hey, you need me to help you take off some plates?” “[Totally unnecessary cheesy one-side-of-my-mouth grin] I’m cool. Actually I’ll probably throw a couple more on after I warm up.”
- You can crouch for a long, long time. I don’t know why you’re crouching. Maybe you are drawing with sidewalk chalk. Maybe you are scrubbing dried Jell-O off the floor. Maybe you are organizing materials for a board meeting and your desk is too small. Maybe you are on safari and a lion is uncomfortably close. Maybe you are hiding behind the kitchen counter with the Halo Top ice cream before your husband tries to get his spoon in there. I don’t know. But crouching comes in handy. And you get a gold star in crouching.
- Gurl, you can do whatever you want with those gorgeous thick thighs of yours. Go charge out into this big, bright amazing day in full-leg force, knowing that no matter what storm may come those trunks of yours stand strong--you can’t help it if they look sexy while they’re doing it.
Sara Grey is the founder of FiTONIC, host of FiTONIC Radio, a gym junkie, and our resident fashion expert. Yes, she can push a car out of a ditch and likely out-crouch you.